Sunday, August 18, 2013

Grumpy (herein Joyce explains why she is currently all emo)

I feel that I should preemptively warn everyone that I am in a severely grumpy mood. And, the bad news is that I don't see it getting much better over the next month.

1) My job ends on Sept. 20. My current job has always been scheduled to end on that date. It isn't a surprise. But, I'm surprised by just HOW much I have left to accomplish in the next month. I've been very consciously and steadily working on my to do list for at least the past three months, in an effort to get it under control. But, it feels like no matter how many projects I manage to finish, my "bosses" (who I dearly love) give me more. I'm also trying to make sure that I get the complicated stuff off the "to do" list of my replacement, so that she can ease into the role. If I think too hard about it, I start having minor panic attacks. I truly love this job and this work and I am devastated to be leaving. But I am starting to fail to see how I am going to get it all done and it is really getting to me.

And, I'd note that being really, really sad to be leaving isn't helping. I love that my work is on the cutting edge of my field. I love that I have to react to huge changes in the law, sometimes on the very day that courts hand down decisions. I love that it's hard, interesting, and challenging work and that I can spend half a day turning a puzzle over and over again in my head. I adore my colleagues, both onside and offsite. I grew up at this job: I've been transformed from a baby, fresh-out-of-law-school lawyer into a reasonably confident one (I wouldn't say I've mastered my practice, at all, but I can feel how much more comfortable I am with everything). I hate that this might be the most interesting job I ever have and secretly (or not so secretly, since I'm admitting it) worry that everything from here onwards will be less exciting. So, I'm not surprised that the impending end of my term (two years went SO QUICKLY) is contributing to the general funk, aside from the pressure to finish everything up neatly.

2) I don't know when I'm starting my new job, so I don't know when I'll be moving. I also don't know where I'll be living. I feel like I have to wait for a start date to make decisions. If all goes well, my transfer will be immediate, but I'll have some time off to move before I actually have to report. I have no idea how long I'll have, so I can't start coordinating the move and everything else that goes with it (roadtrip? shipping car? fly out to find a place to live first? when do I fly back to Seattle to collect my cat? will I even have enough time to find a place to live? when do I go to training? who will watch my cat while I'm away for almost three months?). I was ok with waiting on all of these details, up to a point, but the closer the end of September gets, the more this freaks me out. To make it worse, people keep asking me what's going on and I have to resist the urge to scream at them. If you run into me: DON'T ASK. Don't worry - as soon as I know details about the move, I'll probably scream them from the treetops.

3) I hate packing. It's one of my least favorite things to do. I have to do it. This makes me unhappy. Thankfully, it shouldn't be as bad as when I left DC, since living in a room the size of a shoebox (this has also really gotten to me over the past six months, because there's hardly any storage and the size magnifies any clutter) has meant I've accumulated less stuff than I otherwise might have done. I also never bought a lot of basic household items when I moved to Seattle because my roommate already had them, which is at least less to move, donate, or sell. I am excited to downsize, but the idea of actually doing it freaks me out.

4) I haven't been able to run this week. I think I could actually deal with all of those other things, if I could run. I've taken the week off thanks to a flare-up of sciatica in my left hip, which made it really painful to even walk (it's loads better now, thankfully, but I haven't tried running on it yet...maybe later today). So, I haven't been able to resort to my favorite stress-relieving activity, which is NOT helping my mood one bit. I'm also worried about my upcoming race schedule. I WILL do Disneyland, no matter what, but Eugene is almost certainly out (the race that I really wanted to PR) and Lake Chelan is iffy. Which sucks. A lot.

I know that there is light at the end of the tunnel and that I WILL get through this. But, it's just always hard to keep trucking when you're in the middle of a perfect stress storm. There are very exciting things waiting for me just down the road (baby brunch club! new friends to run with! a new ice skating club! volunteering at the NYC Marathon! hopefully seeing my friends in the UK!), so I just have to keep remembering that it will all sort itself out soon enough. But, please know that it isn't you, if I seem grumpy.